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Survival Tips for when your GPSr Breaks


Jeep_Dog

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This is a new topic to cover an a broader perspective of a compass discussion. Some great tips for survival were being posted. The topic title is self explanatory, so I will begin by reposting an emergency compass technique:

 

I just ran across this one, and think there are some notable cachers that would like to keep this knowledge in their survival bag...

 

Okay, here's the scenario. A bit far-fetched, I admit, but look who's going to be our next president. Let's say you're hopelessly lost in the wilderness since your GPSr batteries went dead, and you forgot to pack replacements (or the cool strap that holds batteries like a bullet bandolier sold by CR you had to throw at an angry bear, or perhaps the batteries flew all about in the forest when you flogged yourself with the badolier because you just had a DNF).

 

Items required-

All you have is a can of beer, a sewing needle, a small bowl, and a pair of extra-large silk panties. Because this is a matter of life and death, any adult female in your caching group should give hers up. this being said, it is a good idea to require adult females at all times to only wear silk underwear on caching expeditions. If extra large is not available, try any size, since I mention extra-large just for the sake of visualization to enhance memory of this life-saving procedure. REMEMBER - don't mention to her they are extra-large, or there will be at least one less member of your caching party that survives. Also, this step gets much more interesting if, instead of lost in the woods, you are lost in a barren desert, with no trees behind which clandestine production of said clothing is accomplished.

 

Step 1 - Open the beer. If you brought a bottle that requires an opener, use your Leatherman. If you don't have a Leatherman, use your teeth. If you don't have teeth, the law of averages indicate you don't have a nice lady wearing silk, so you are going to perish anyhow. Break the top of the bottle off on a rock and drink the beer.

 

Step 2 - Pour some into the bowl, and let it go flat. (Better drink the rest; this may not work. Not to mention if you do not drink the rest, then you may dehydrate awaiting the beer flattening process. Alternatively, you can feed the beer to the selected adult female in the group if she refuses to produce the silk prior to Step 3- just remember to leave some beer for this step!).

 

Step 3 - Magnetize the needle by stroking it repeatedly in one direction on the panties. Now that I think about it, this step does not necessarily require the silk to be off the selected adult female, although generating static is probably easier without a human body grounding out the building charge. Regardless, this rubbing will generate a charge of static electricity.

 

Step 4 - Float the needle in the beer. When it stops, moving it'll be pointing in a north-south direction.

 

Step 5 - Assuming you know the cardinal direction of your start point, now get outta there! If you do not know the general direction, go north (I'm currently in the El Paso region, so north is a good choice. There are some places in the world where north may not be a good choice (Kuwait, Nepal, South Korea and the North Pole may be some examples), so use your good judgement in these places (that being said, if you have read the survival plan to this point, your judgement is very questionable).

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To wit, Prime Suspect responded to this post with:

 

"Sure, but do you know how to start a fire with a can of Coke and a Hershey bar?"

 

Without further adieu, how to start a fire with the can of Coke and a Hershey Bar that are residing on the bottom of your cache pack.

 

Items Required -

All you have is a can of Coke (although, I should point out at this point that beer would also work, which would be a great consideration since beer would be required for creating a compass as well), a Hershey Bar (the real McCoy, not a nutritious power bar or anything silly like that), and a pair of extra-large silk panties. Once again, because this is a matter of life and death, any adult female in your caching group should give hers up. The standard disclaimers of size, not pointing out extra-large to the donator of the material, and other such blah blah blah applies to this survival tip as well. You will also need sunlight (spelunking, say you? Sorry, no fire for you, then) Oh, yeah, and you need a lot of time. Let's just say if you can make it back to your car, shelter with heat, or the nearby pub in two or so hours, you may consider just hoofing it. If you are hunting an urban micro, this survival tip may not be appropriate for you.

 

Step 1 - Find some dry tinder. Small sticks, rabit fur, tree bark all work. If you are in a barren desert, then you are screwed. Put this dry tinder aside, and keep it dry.

 

Step 2 - Take the dark, paper wrapper off the bar. Keep it dry, too.

 

Step 3 - Break off a square or two of chocolate. Believe it or not, this is your "grit," or polishing compound. So, be sure not to eat your polishing compound!

 

Step 4 - Get the silk underwear. This will be your cloth for polishing. Alright, you got me! Any piece of ripped cloth will work for this survival tip. However, seeing as the silk underwear is multi-purpose for also creating a compass, silk it highly encouraged. Oh, and more fun. Also, if the adult female refuses to donate her underwear for the survival of the group, this is yet another occasion where a can of beer could be used for several purposes.

 

Step 5 - Turn the can over so that you are looking at the bottom. See how it is concave, yet a dull metallic finish? You are about to create a parabolic reflector out of the bottom of this can! If you have no idea what parabolic reflector could possibly be, do not fret. If you still have the beer, just drink it. It will all be fine. You will be using your polish (chocolate) and polishing cloth (silk panties) to make a shiny mirror out of the bottom of this can.

 

Step 6 - Begin rubbing the polish (1-2 squares of chocolate) into the bottom of the can with your silk panties. Not to worry, for the friction of the rubbing motion will melt the chocolate and make the polish easier to use. Unless, of course, your are located in the interior of Alaska in January. In this case, you are screwed, since no amount of rubbing a can with chocolate will cause enough friction to overcome the -40 ambient temperature - besides, if you only have coke, chocolate, and silk panties in this enviroment, the law of averages indicate you have less than an hour of survival time anyhow, which brings us to step 7 -

 

Step 7 - Keep rubbing. Rub some more. In fact, you will probably be rubbing and polishing for at least 1 1/2 to 2 hours! What? You thought making an effective parabolic mirror out of a soda can, chocolate, and silk panties was a quick process? No way! If you need energy to continue polishing, feel free to take a break and drink the Coke. Safety tip - don't eat your polishing material, unless you know you will slip into hypothermia before your polishing is complete. The aluminum oxide that mixes with your polish is really not all that good for your health.

 

Step 8 - If you are still alive, eventually you will have a really shiny Coke can bottom.

Now, point the can (shiny end, mind you!) toward the sun. You need to find the "focal point" of the reflected sun, which is probably between 1.00 to 1.25 inches from the can. To find the focal point, take the Hershey Wrapper and move it back and forth from the can. As you move the paper in and out, you should be able to see the light converge to a small point. When you see it converge on a small point, leave it there. At this point, the paper should start to smoke. This is a good thing.

 

Step 9 - After the wrapper smokes, it will also ember (that's the bright orange-looking warm stuff). Blow on this to keep it going, and get to to your tinder you have set aside. Blow, blow, blow, and make your fire. If you have never started a fire, then just be happy you have made it this far, and perish with a sense of accomplishment.

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I don't suppose I could just use my cell phone and call for help. instead? Couldn't they triangulate on the signal and find me? :surprise:

 

Yes, I suppose you could do this. Yet, there are many remote places without cell coverage. Additionally, what if a moose stomps your phone into a state where it no longer works? In these cases, having my handy survival tips may become quite handy.

 

That being said, if you should have a phone handy in a survival situation, with 2 or more signal bars, yet your battery bar is one and about to go to nill on you, then knowing how to craft an emergency charge for your phone may come in helpful.

 

If all else fails, you can use the small screen reflective surface as a signalling mirror. Then again, you can use your polished can, I suppose, but parabolic mirrors make horrid signalling devices.

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You could be like the cacher a few years ago that went caching in a swamp. He got lost. He did not know enough about his GPS to realize that it had a compass that would point out his direction as he traveled. He did not realize that his GPS left a bread crumb trail showing him where he had walked. He did have a cell phone, and after walking in circles most of the day he called for help. He was rescued helicopter picked him up and took him back to civilization. It is my understanding that there was quite a fee for all this that he had to pay.

 

There was quite a lengthy thread on this at the time.

 

:surprise:

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To wit, Prime Suspect responded to this post with:

 

"Sure, but do you know how to start a fire with a can of Coke and a Hershey bar?"

 

Without further adieu, how to start a fire with the can of Coke and a Hershey Bar that are residing on the bottom of your cache pack.

 

[snipped]

Your preoccupation with silk panties is a bit disturbing. :P

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Your preoccupation with silk panties is a bit disturbing. :P

 

Would a preoccupation with cotton ones be a little less disturbing? :blink:

 

Edit: Oh, by the way, you missed the disclaimer on the whole silk fetish bit -

 

"Any piece of ripped cloth will work for this survival tip. However, seeing as the silk underwear is multi-purpose for also creating a compass, silk it highly encouraged."

 

So, you see, it is not so much a preoccupation as it is a matter of pragmatic packing of items.

Edited by Jeep_Dog
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This thread could potentially diminish the pool of possible Darwin Award Recipients :P . On a plus side, it could reduce the S&R resources by preventing one rescue.

 

Map and Compass

 

Wilderness Survival

 

Knife Selection

 

What are you packing? - THE BASICS Pack, tent, sleeping bag, padding, shoes, stove, etc.

 

Examples of Survival Situations

Geocachers lost in the wood.

Edited by Kit Fox
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